I wrote this 2 years ago as a twitlonger. I decided I wanted to save it to my blog, and to share it with all the new friends I've made in the past 2 years.
I'm fat.
Now, if I say that, I know some people who know me will automatically jump in and say "no, you're not" - but I am.
If you accept that being "fat" means having more fat on you than is happily accepted by society and fashion, then I certainly am. In medical terms I am absolutely in the obese category.
And you know what, I'm okay with it. Yes, I'd like to have less fat on me, but largely for health reasons and to make some aspects of life a wee bit easier.
But the thing is, I know this. I know I could be slimmer but it would take hard work and a bit of deprivation. I'm not very good at deprivation.
And so I'm fat. But I don't define myself by that. It's simply 1 aspect of what I look like. One that is neither wholly positive nor wholly negative, it just is.
But what I don't like about my fat is what it apparently shouts out to others while my chubby back is turned.
As I walk down the street my wobbly arse apparently whispers to passers by that I'm lazy. My rolling tummy shouts to strangers that I'm greedy. My thighs rubbing together sing aloud that I smell. And my double chin jeers that I'm unreliable, unhealthy, and don't care about my appearance.
How an extra 45lbs of blubbery molecules can be so loud without me realising, I do not know?
You see, what so many people who listen to these accusations made by bits of my body don't realise is, they have flaws too. They are just extra lucky that their body doesn't shout it out to the world.
A smoker's lung doesn't yell out that it's suffocating. A stingy man's buttock does not let it be known that his wallet is never opened. A cruel woman's heart does not scream that is it cold and hard. An abusive husband's hand doesn't spell out in sign language that is has been used to hurt and maim innocent souls.
No, they are the lucky ones. Their flaws are their own little secrets. Known only to those closest to them. They don't wear their flaws around them as a suit signalling their very presence to any who catch even a fleeting glance at them.
Not me, and not for others like me, who wear the fat suit of shame. For I wear my flaws - that I like fizzy drinks and chocolate and cheese and pizza - for the world to see.
It's not the fault of the fat. It doesn't really know it's saying these things. It thinks it is only a visual sign of a slight flaw in my living habits. It thinks that if it sends a message it's that it's calling cheerfully "Hey, I'm here. I'm soft and wobbly. I weigh a bit. Oh I'm made from Irn Bru and hummous. I float in water. I'm nice to cuddle up to and to grab hold of and jiggle about. I can be fun".
That's what my fat shouts out, but sadly most of society mishears. They read between the cellulite lines and decide that my fat is a statement, that I am trying to tell them about my inner being, my personality, my willpower and my heart.
It is those who decide to make a judgement on the existence of my fat who decide it's a bad thing and has terrible implications.
And it's to those people I ask this, next time you see me or someone else exhibiting a bit more fat than is deemed necessary, realise that it is what it is. it is fat. Its existence says that maybe they eat a bit too much, or don't exercise very much, or exercise a lot but like delicious food, or maybe they just LIKE fat. It carries no more weight than that, no matter what you may think.
My flaw is a small one in the grand scheme of things - I eat too many calories - and what judgements would society be making about you, if your flaw was visible on the outside of your body? Would there be a little cloud floating above your head telling us all how lonely and empty you feel because you're cruelty, or bitterness or superiority has driven others away?
Or what if the best parts of our personality were as visible as the flaw of fat? Would you have anything to show? Because I know if that were so, my fat would be lost in the folds of love, happiness, laughter and sweetness that exists in my life - and this sweetness has ZERO calories.
