Wild, I was absolutely livid.

Tonight's Big Brother finally gave us the required culture element in Channel 5's broadcasting remit.

To begin with they introduced a housemate with an IQ high enough to learn sign language and operate basic machinery (more than Jay, anyway) in the form of Yambo the gorilla. Except it wasn't. Yambo was actually an actor in a costume, much like the rest of the housemates.

He arsed about in the straw, arsed with Maisy's arse (I have decided I may spell Maisey's name differently each time I use it) and managed to allow the HMs not to arse up the shopping task. If I were doing this week's shopping list, I'd including nothing but bananas, straw and monkey nuts.

The repercussions from THE KISS rambled on. Tom suddenly realised his popularity was flying out the window with his sanity and pleaded with Sir Aaron De Stubble to "speak to him proper, innit". Aaron, still recalling the PUNCH IN THE FACE comment, hedged his bets and focussed on grammar, for he'd rather have a strained relationship than a hanging participle (and who can blame him?).

The other "men" - and I use that term loosely - rolled around in some sour grapes in the bedroom as they discussed how they never wanted Maisy ANYWAY, and she'd be shit in bed and Aaron isn't beating them at playahood without once wearing a baseball cap backwards or doing a bad rap, and...and....well, girls smell too. *scratch self, adjust right testicle, sniff*

Whilst Maisy acted subtly, Faye threw her metaphorical and literal ass into the ring. Taking hints from Yambo, she showed Aaron the back of her neck, allowed him to pin her down and was more obvious than Alex's arse hanging out her shorts in staking her claim as the shagged cuddly toy to Aaron's silverback. Their coordinating pjs sealed the deal for them as couple of the show/5 minutes.

I can't help feeling a bit sorry for Maisy, she's like that girl that the boy practices kissing with only to use the skills learned on the popular girl. She's Watts in Some Kind of Wonderful, or Jo in teenage Health Freak. Of course, in both these the bloke ended up with the practicee in the end....but I fear Maisy's scary Madonna look may have written her out of the "plain but beautiful when you look twice" friend role. She should have gone in brunette, with a bun, and glasses then dyed her hair, shook it out and Aaron would have given up the T-Birds and made Sandy his steady.

However, it wasn't all adult fare as the show wandered into Playschool territory with Alex and Tom in the craft corner, makign tinfoil people and singing little songs. I fully expect to see them making tinfoil hats to keep out the bad voices before the week is out.

Harry, bless him, began having prep school flashbacks and thought he was fagging once again by making up a "special spray" to put in some of the beds. This led to rather silly pranking, which got out of hand and the over-tired children needed to go to teh diary room for a glass of milk and a nap before cleaning up the mess.

Thankfully, in the midst of all this juvinility a real cultural highlight occured as Alex and Harry acted out a deeply significant piece of art depicting the age old class struggle. You may have thought it was merely a playfight, but actually it was a skit of real depth that Stephen Berkoff would have been proud off. The ketchup Harry squeezed on Alex represented the years of blood and supression by the upper classes on the poor lower class, whilst Alex's water symbolised the lack of resources open to the poor. I fully expect to see it at the Globe next year - Sir Ian mcKellen would make a magnificent Alex, especially in the hotpants.

Still, Lousie managed to bring us back to earth by setting the woman's movement back 50 years with he treaty on how to treat *giggle* a man *giggle*. I'm sure it changed the minds of all the men watching, with one hand.

P.S. A message to Aaron on his made rather ungentlemanly comments about Heaven. I do not agree with what you say but I support your right to say it whilst looking hot all stubbly in a white shirt.

A Little Light Duvet Action

When is a kiss NOT a kiss? When it's on Big Brother and becames the reality Tv equivalent of Hitler marching in and announcing he's going to eat some babies.

In this year's BB12 World War came when 2 single people - Aaron (looks like he should be in a L'oreal for Men advert) and Maisie (looks like she should be in an advert for Madonna's Tru Blue album) - without due thought, care or attention decided to indulge in some late night smoochery. This has caused no end of ructions, not least with Anton who did the TV equivalent of putting a glass to your bedroom wall when they neighbours are shagging. He sat up in bed at the mere hint of a rustling duvet to ensure he got all the action. Then made sure to spread the good word.

The news that Aaron and Maisie (Or Maron as the coupling terms should be known) locked lips then began to ripple across the house, knocking egos over in its path. Suddenly people who had never even met Aaron were huffed that he hadn't snogged THEM, when clearly he was already betrothed to them as his Mum once said he likes girls in blue pants.

Tom, previously the "jolly gay", found himself channeling Downton Abbey as his poor reputation was besmirched. He reviled that bad, bad man Aaron because apparently there was an unpsoken bond between them that meant that straight Aaron would never touch a lady whilst he knew Tom had a fancy for his pants.

Molehills became weapons of mass destruction and Faye (previously expressed no interest in Aaron "that way") and Tom suddenly bonded over all the ways Aaron had led them on - alleged neck kissing and hints of "when we leave the the house" had occcurred.


Frankly, I feel a bit left out. After all, I think Aaron looked at me down the telly and I think his stubble whispered "take me, I'm yours". I think I'll complain to the PCC that he led me on before heartlessly kissing a girl who's eyebrows have more in common with my hair than hers.

It seems that Tom had an entire relationship in his head with Aaron (Has he read Caitlin Moran's How to be a Woman?) and then felt his jealousy and put-outed-ness was only natural when his imaginary lover went off with a girl. Perhaps the papers will be full of other imaginary lovers of Toms? "Tom left me after he saw me walking home to my wife. He felt the way I asked him to press the button in the elevator had led him on" "Tom and I had a 3 year affair, though I only became aware of this when Tom told me he was ending it after he saw me marry Kate - Prince William exclusive".

Still, after this debarcle they all handled it maturely. The blokes made sex jokes; Maisie denied it happened; Tom threatended to punch Aaron's pretty face; Faye huffed in a sexually alluring fashion and Aaaron had a duvet surgically attatched to his head.

However, the paroxide soon wore off and Maisie saw sense and encouraged Aaron to talk to everyone and clear the air in an oddly mature fashion, which he huffily did. Tom clung to his straw to the last, declaring he was DEFINITELY led on by Aaron. (If he had a fan, i'm sure he would have beat it angrily)

And thus ended the saga of "the kiss", in which 2 grown, single adults who are friends snogged, and didn't let it affect THEIR friendhsip. What good is THAT to anyone in a reality TV show?

Can we all now get back to foccusing on the REAL issues, that of why DOES Alex speak like that and was Aden raised in a barn, did pigs teach him his table manners?