It was given to me during my days at Bible youth group...Actually, I lie, it was given to my best friend. The fact it ended up in my possession says something about me I think.
When I first read this book, I was about 15 and it made me laugh and scoff. When I reread it at around 19 - when I actually had a boyfriend - it made me livid. Now, I read it and it's all about the laughs again.
It's so manipulative, it's hilarious - though obviously not if you are a confused 16 year old with a hormone flux and a hot boyfriend/girlfriend.
What has always angered me the most about the book is the assumption that all young people have the will power of a wet noodle. It advises never to be alone with your beloved, never to lie down together, never to wear tight jeans and low cut tops, never to let a tongue in your gob and certainly never to have a quick grope - because surely within 10 seconds you will be shagging like dogs and all thoughts of His Loveliness will be gone FOREVER.
And the part that most made me fling the book across the room is the chapter on meddling with non-Christians. The anecdote about the poor sap who married the evil non-Christian devil-worshipping gal who apparently CONTROLS HIS EVER THOUGHT AND MOVE so he now doesn't pray, read the Bible or go to church is the worst. I'm surprised he didn't also say his hair was falling out, he'd lost his job and children pointed at him in the street. Heathens can do that, you know?
Anyway, I shan't rant on, instead I thought I'd share with you some of the LOLworthy illustrations to aid us on our journey of how to be jiggy-jiggy within the Lord's eye line.
Now this illustration shows us HOW to be a couple within Lordy limits. Ensure any shenanigans such as kissing are done in public, preferably on an open, moving vehicle such as a fairground ride. Lips should be dryly pushed together - no unholy tongue - and most importantly, ensure your crotch is as FAR AWAY from the girl as is humanly possible. Hands should not be on each other but holding onto something solid to prevent any accidental stumbles and knobs slipping into mouths/vaginas.
Now, far be it from me to make racial slurs against this book but....this is a chapter about how the evil media makes us all want to bump uglies. They show this with random blackdude and non-quite-Tina Turner. It all goes back to the introduction of the black man's music into rock and roll. It turned normal teens into greasy, over-sexed, spunk buckets. It clearly all makes Not-quite-Tina angry.
Ah the petting problem. When a hand job turns to hell. Now this poor couple clearly are having a petting problem - largely because she is actually giving a handy to a bloke off to the right. Poor side-parting fellow is devastated and rejected. We can tell this because his tie is undone. This is illustration code for sinful and slack-moralled.
Poor, poor sex mad dolly. She is here to show us that if you have THE SEX then bad things will happen to you. You will be tied to a gatepost, develop a habit of smoking dog-ends, get unruly hair and DEAR GOD let us not talk of what happens to your FEET when you shag. She smiles, but that is a vacant smile of one with knots for feet. Under her pretty yellow dress her vag is equally as yellow with the POISON of sexual sin.
Sing with me Kids From Fame fans - "Hi-fidelity, high, high high high". Monogamy, not a board game, more a bored game (according to Derek Jarman, who they quote.) Yes this insanity in coloured pencil is here to show us that 2 girls bad, 1 girl old enough to be your mother, in pink tights - GOOD. Don't believe me? Here's a close up.
EEEH gads. Now see that poor angry fella top left, he is angry at being left out of an orgy going on the other side of the red (for sin) door. See how he makes a fist and wants in. But he is left with the twee sisters and their sensible shoes. Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle wall (I mean WTF?) leaping off a swing is happy monogamous man. Though he does not look very happy. He looks like he is flinging Sharon Osbourne there from his lap in horror as he realises she is actually his mum. Still, he at least got it half right. See first illustration - only indulge in sexy times whilst on some moving outdoor item. They really take swinging to a whole new level.
Ah now, we come to the Illustration which I personally subtitle "I'll never date Christian men if this is what they all look like". Polo shirts, sweaters and glasses (or an unfeasible HUGE head). The happy Christian girls though, how they laugh to be in such scintillating company. Ah but is that why they are so chipper? Or is it because chappy on the right is actually tearing up his copy of Life in a Sex Mad Society so they can all have a guilt-free gang bang once the pizza's gone down?
And that, my friends, is only HALF of it! Oh the sexy, sinful, watercolour joys that are yet to come!
'Hands should not be on each other but holding onto something solid to prevent any accidental stumbles and knobs slipping into mouths/vaginas' <<<-------- Now if only I'd known this 9 years ago! :D
ReplyDeleteMore, more...keep writing! :D